Does she live with you?

I find my anxiety is like an uninvited house guest. She floats in and takes up residence, unpacks her bags, and stretches out on my couch. She leaves dishes in the sink and clothes on the bed. She gets her energy at 4 am and likes to wake me up to think too much. She makes my left leg shake and changes my relationship with my beloved oat milk latte. She has a lot of opinions on what I should be doing. What I would be doing if I was a better version of myself. A better person. Smarter. Thinner. She never stops talking. Her ideas are mostly bad.

I’ve started to converse with her. Separate myself from her. Think of her more as the shitty, uninvited roommate she is instead of as part of me. It’s not always easy; often I believe we are one and the same. I allow her to take up residence in my head and call it her home.

But more and more I’ve created distance. A separateness. 

I have conversations with her. Try to untangle her ideas and organize them so I can see clearly. I study her like an anthropologist. I come up with comebacks, retorts to her unsubstantiated claims.

Why do you believe that about me?

If you’re going to be such a rude b*tch, bring receipts.

Where is your evidence?

It’s possible that they don’t hate me. Maybe they’re just tired. This is a global pandemic after all. Not everything can be about me.

There is a part of me she gets at most. The part of me that still feels young, scared, and small. The part that needs protection and validation. She’s meanest to that part. But instead of accepting her abuse as I have for so many years, I talk back like a snarky teen when someone bullies their sibling.

Don’t you talk to her like that.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

If your left leg is shaking, I see you. It’s a shaky time. When your roommate bangs the door open and flops down on your couch, remember that she isn't you. Her ideas aren't facts. She doesn't have any information about your life that you don't, so don't let her spin wild tales.

You are stronger than you feel my dear, and it's going to be okay.