Make your own damn table

“I’m sorry, but I wholeheartedly disagree with you.”

It was early on Monday morning and I was speaking on a panel for my alumni association on elevating women leaders. I was telling my story, as a woman in tech pretending to be "one of the guys". Knocking hard on the door of the boys club and truly believing that if I just worked hard enough and folded myself into the right box, I’d be granted an invitation. We all know that’s bull hockey. I learned the hard way what many women and marginalized people learn over time: that club was not built for us.

I believe we have to let go of trying to fit into spaces not made to accommodate us and work together to change them instead. That you have to commit to your own identity and authenticity and do your best to change the path women and marginalized people coming after us will have. So, that's what I was saying.

A blonde woman in her 70s, dripping in Prada disagreed. Loudly.

“You have to learn what the men like, and talk about that.” She declared in an I’d like to speak with your manager tone. “That’s how I got ahead. You're giving bad advice.”

My inner voice yelled: Oh hell no. I’m done learning to golf for this shit. That’s some 1960s ass advice and I’m not about it, Susan.

My outer voice said, “I’m so glad that was your experience, it was not mine”.

My soul felt tired for her. That was the path she’d had to take to get where she wanted to go. She had internalized being 'one of the boys' so deeply that she had to shout out in their defense. The world she knew was that trying to be a man was the only way to make it as a woman. I still feel sad for her, I’m sure she didn’t have many options.

She comes from a generation of “adapt to survive”. We now have the opportunity to build a new one— one that says: “tear this shit down so we can all thrive.”

The new version will only work if we decide to stop competing for a single seat at a very white, very straight, very male table. Let’s commit to making our own damn table. One that welcomes and celebrates everyone. Let's keep creating our own clubs, hiring people who are different than us, and amplifying each other's voices.

You're welcome at my table anytime, friend. I'll never ask you to fucking golf.