When is it enough?

Illustration by Claudia Argueta find more illustrations like these @vibesbyclaudia on instagram.

Yesterday, stumbling around in a jet-lagged fog I found a page from a journal I wrote a couple of years ago. I do this thing every year where I vision my ideal Tuesday. Not a crazy big day, just an average day in the life that I aspire to lead. As I read my past self's notes it felt like a slap, waking me up out my foggy stupor. My past self had a clear vision of what she wanted— she detailed a bedroom, a kitchen, a workout, an office, and a company she wanted to build. The journal isn't dated, I can’t remember when I wrote it. But reading it was an awakening of sorts.

I lived past Sarah’s ideal Tuesday, yesterday. There was a time in my life where I wanted exactly what I have today. 

Did I celebrate it as a success? No. I didn’t even notice. If it hadn't been for a chance encounter with an old notebook, the achievement would have gone unmarked. In the eternal words of MIA— on to the next one.

It made me ask a question that's been circling my brain lately— when will it be enough? 

In a world where our dream boards are packed, and our goal sheets are SMART, we don’t stop to acknowledge: 

There was a time in all of our lives when we desperately wanted what we have right the fuck now.

I read a book on my vacation recommended by Amandah Wood, and everyone should pick it up— What If This Was Enough? by Heather Havrilesky. In it she writes this:

Many of us learn to construct a clear and precise vision of what we want, but we’re never taught how to enjoy what we actually have. There will always be more victories to strive for, more strangers to charm, more images to collect and pin to our vision boards. It’s hard to want what we have; it’s far easier to want everything in the world.

2006 Kanye West puts it another way in the Rhymefest track More:

No matter how much I get (I want mooore)
Even when I talk my shit (I want mooore)
Every party on every list
And everybody want a life like this
But still (I want more)

We all know how blind ambition is working out for Kanye. That Keeping Up With The Kardashians' episode doesn’t have an ending I’m envious of.

Instead of rushing toward what is new, what is next, what is bigger, shinier, and more expensive, we need to take a beat. We need to sit in the imperfect glory of what we have right now. Not just gratitude, but true satisfaction. An exhalation.

Then we need to move on to an examination of our own ambitions, a dissection of what really makes us happy. These are the questions I'm working through, maybe they'll help you a little too:

What am I running toward? 
How do I want to feel when I reach it?
Is it possible that I have everything I need to feel that way right now?

So often the happiness we are chasing is already available to us, sitting quietly in the shadows of our shiny dreams. We just have to look a bit closer.